The HubPages Chairman
64Our Beloved Leader
(North Korea stole the name "Beloved Leader" from us)
We, the six Elites of HubPages, have recently been summoned into The Presence! The big cheese of HubPages, the Chairman himself. His secretary took us in and laid us on the carpet of his huge luxurious office which was so big, we had trouble recognising the original, million dollar Louis XIV desk at the end of the room, so far away from the door it was.
We followed the example of his secretary and we all approached him on all fours, touching our foreheads to the rug every five paces, as is the custom here. I wanted to do the civil thing and try to relax the tension by opening the conversation with some casual remark on the state of the crops this year and how pork bellies went up again, but I met his forbidding eye which had a similar expression I had seen once on a half boiled fish and I reconsidered the rash act. This man and his vast volatile brain were reading a newspaper and forty five minutes later he put it down and flicked his cigar ash on us in acknowledgement.
“I asked you here, Whatever-Your-Names-Are…” the secretary touched her forehead on the rug again before speaking “They are the Elites, Sir”, she said.
“The what? Ahhhh…. HaaaaaaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaaa…. Hm… er… I mean… Whatever. I asked you here, Whatever-Your-Names-Are, because I hear that you may be good at making money.”
We grovelled in acknowledgement.
“My yes men and I, I mean the Board of Directors and I, have decided to appoint you lot as joint treasurers. This year our profits have dropped to just one million a day net, so obviously business is not going well and another year of this I might have to give up piracy and get an honest job.”
We grovelled in thanks.
“Mrs Chairman and the kids need a round the world cruise, first class of course, and I am certainly not paying for it out of my own pocket. We have over 60,000 members on HubPages and I am sure that they do not want the wife of their Chairman to do without and they are quite capable of doing the right thing by the Little Woman. Your job as joint treasurers is to find new ways to squeeze some more money out of the inmates here, in order to keep Mrs Chairman in the style to which she has become accustomed.”
We crawled backwards out of The Presence and the secretary showed us to our new office. It is only six by six feet, but she assured us that in another five years we shall get one with a window.
Now, we are not ones to gossip and we hate to speak ill of any man behind his back, especially our Chairman, but I must confide in you that rumour has it that he is Swiss. It is possible that this is only just a vile rumor scurrilously put about by his enemies, so we are reluctant to spread the report.
Perhaps you know that in Switzerland, where he comes from, they call their paper money “Moths”? The reason for this is that once they trouser a five dollar note, it does not see the light of day again until the trousers are sent to the cleaners, which is only once every five years in order to save money on dry cleaning. By then, of course, the fin comes out covered in moths, hence the name.
Compared to the Swiss, Scotsmen are considered to be insane spendthrifts and Scotsmen have been known to take the Swiss’ correspondence course on Scrooge-ology and that’s no humbug. Also, at least once in their lifetime Scotsmen must go on pilgrimage to Switzerland to pay homage to The Masters, as they call the Swiss and they come away with a tear of hope trickling down their cheeks all the way to their red beards, hoping that they may someday reach the haloed heights of the Swiss.
Now, six months later, we all sit in our tiny office and, because we are not allowed to talk except during breaks, we slowly and meditatively place ourselves outside beers and beef sandwiches at lunch times as we discuss great strategies. A large part of these discussions concentrate around South America and the Amazonian jungle. Ever since the Chairman selected us to be treasurers of this august body, ours have become souls that are deeply seared by Fate's challenges. We take it for granted that our Beloved Leader MUST know that any appointment of a treasurer necessarily means that the appointer knows that he is taking a sporting chance and we are anxious to rise to the challenge. We are constantly tormented by this sudden desire to visit little known parts of the world where thoughts of extradition treaties with major Western countries have never actually become reality nor any such document has ever been signed. None of us have ever felt such an urge before and we all wonder why.
But there are clever people here at HubPages and I think that we might be suspected. Maddie and Simone sit up night after night with the Chairman, heads closely together, appearing to discuss the future of the organisation, but as soon as we step through the door, deathly silence ensues. We suddenly feel as if our family names are Capulet and that we have accidentally stumbled onto a Montague poker game and the temperature definitely seems to drop well below zero. It makes us wonder if they can read minds.
So we count the river of money coming in every day and we think of the Amazon. Unfortunately, none of our spouses like Amazonian mosquitoes and we have now reached an en passé. Whenever we mention South America to them, the love light becomes conspicuously absent from their eyes and they begin to stare at the infinite. As much as they love us, they draw the line at travelling up river in a canoe carved our of a whole tree trunk, powered by native muscle. Also, the thought of daily having to remove Amazonian alluvial deposits from their persons does not appear to inspire them.
I am the only male in the group of six Elites and the only thing that puts the females off is the thought of a lifetime of being forced to listen to De Greek’s jokes without respite and without the relief of an occasional visitor who might at least take the burden off their shoulders on occasion.
As you know, it is the curse of Eve to be forever doomed to pretend to enjoy listening to jokes from the male of the species. If men liked a joke that was told to them in infancy, it will stick to them like glue during the passage through childhood, puberty and adulthood, through their more mature years right to their death bed. Many a male on his death bed, immediately after some man of God has administered the last rites, has called his wife to his side and, reaching for her with a trembling arthritic hand, said to her in a wheezing, rasping voice
“Have I told you the one about the Irishman, the Bishop and the barmaid?”
He then ignores her affirmative answer and proceeds to tell his story, taking time to bring the oxygen mask to his face every so often, in order to gather strength to continue.
And the little woman bravely listens for the 365th time that year to the same joke that has put her to sleep throughout her married life and breaths not a word of reproach. Such is the miracle of Woman’s Love. However, HubPages Elite Women might put up with Amazonian mosquitoes, deadly snakes, poisoned arrows and accessories, but the thought of living with De Greek for longer than twelve hours is rather off putting.
Anyway, just in case anyone reading this owns a fast airplane capable of reaching Brazil without refueling, please contact us and you shall not regret it.
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I hit all the buttons but one. Just so you wouldn't get a swollen head, knowing how prone you are to overwheening pride!
I always wondered what it took to become an "elite" here (hell, I thought we were all pretty elite, writing for such an esteemed place!) - now I know it takes a lot of grovelling, otherwise known as a...licking!
Ah well, I guess I never will be an "elite" here - I can't afford a ticket to California to do the requisite grovelling! LOL!
So I shall simply take myself to bed (it's almost midnight here) and hope that I wake up to find it's all been a bad dream!
So, as my eyes get all furry and my fingers all bony and hard from typing so much sh1t I'll say good night and keep writing! Someone is bound to read it someday, no matter how bad it is!
Thanks for the late night laffs (and forgive my lame humour here - as I said, it's pretty late)!
Love and peace
Tony
I wouldnt recommend Brazil. Too many creepy crawlies. Try Tristan de Cunha or The Falkland Islands. Nobody would think to look for you there.
I promise you,De Greek,if you can make your way to Southwest Louisiana,I can put you in a place located in the back marsh,in a duck hunting camp,with all the comforts of a 4 star hotel...and I can also assert Chairman can read this comment and still never find you,not anyone else;)
Hmmm...methinks you should resign and go back to writing your book. That will be an activity fraught with much less peril! :D
DeGreek, I had no idea the amount of sacrifice required to be an elite. What a heavy burden you carry. I'm sure there are several south Pacific Islands you could run to and never be seen again. And of course, that would give you plenty of time to finish that book. :}
Now you've done it, you let the cat out of the bag. That 'e' on your avatar will be capitalized. You will become one of the big Honchos, they'll change the name of Hubnugget-Island after you and then there will be no living with you... mind you DeGreek-Island doesn't sound all that bad
You were joking.... right?
But maybe not, who knows? - anyhow, take a trip to Penang, it's an island paradise and if you have cash (and if you rifle the till,you will!) nobody will care who you are or where you came from..... it's not a bad place to write either!
Guess I'll mark you up, but as you are an 'elite' it's hardly worth it as you can probably mark yourself up! (just some sour grapes, we 'religious' writers never get to be the elites, least not in this hubberverse!
;0) John
You could always retire the Elite group to consult on the project to Southwest Texas. No one would EVER find you out there! ;-> I could guarantee you a good work-out, gorgeous view of earth and skies and no interference! Bring your own food supplies to last for the duration of your stay, unless you're prepared to hunt for meat. Bring tents or RV. Electricity and water are provided. You must carry away your non-degradable trash. There is no trash pickup. You can burn burnables and compost compostables but all other non-degradables must be carried away when you depart.
Warning: You may fall in love with the privacy and view and never want to leave. But for supplies, you'll have to make a 200-mile round trip to find a grocery store when needed. You'll be your own medics. There are some healing native weeds, though.
OOPS - I hadn't read Mentalist Acer's Louisiana swamp offer. Now you have your choice of swamp or desert. You could easily move back and forth to keep your whereabouts the more hidden! Of course you'll need a primitive canoe for his offer (not too unlike the Amazonian one). All you'll need for mine is a nice 4-wheel all-terrain vehicle and some sturdy boots to protect from thorns, cactus and possible snakes. There are worse snakes in Louisiana swamps though - as well as alligators. hehe (and I'm cuter than Acer, I'll bet. But his brilliance is irresistible. Again, you have choices.)
When I see the color of your travel tickets (and the other 5 Elites'), I'll make it a point. hehe
Just give me a little headstart to clean up the mess from the vandalism in my cabin down there. It's a small cabin so shouldn't take too long to put in shape. After all, I helped build it!
But now that I've finished reading ALL the comments, I realize that Louisiana is the least of my competition for your conference and/or retirement-to-write, depending on whether the pink slip arrives. And in that event, you'll probably go on to the Greek Islands, since you will have no need to hide. So I'll just hang loose and see what ensues. hehe
DeGreek the mighty Elite, you want seclusion,no PROBLEM we have our far Canadian Tundra the Inuvik would love to teach you how to fish and hunt for seal, walrus, whale and the odd polar bear, now how sad is that?:0(..
You of course would be put up in the finest Igloo adorned with fish hook, nets, dried salmon and whale blubber galore. You will certainly have a great taste of the frozen outdoors, learn how to ski, snowshoe,throw ice darts,mush a dog sled and even drive their modern snowmobiles.
Get ready for the good life sit back and watch the sunset in the morning while picking your teeth with whale picks. Don't worry it will take some adjustments at first but the freezing water will strengthen your mind, body and souls.
Don't worry be happy, they will never find you here, no wireless, no phone, just pure clean fresh Canadian air and plenty of snow and ice and wind, believe me NO ONE but NO ONE will want to send out a search party:0)))
HAHAHA! wow. Now the Canadian tundra! How many choices are offered now? DG, you and your elite compatriots can just go around the globe following through on invitations and see the world's extremities! You are an asset to the Elites. See what responses you generate which prove it!
Well, your reply to Ken gives me a fighting chance. . . . It was the whale blubber I worried about. Where else could you find that, except maybe Alaska. . . and it has such political pollution to consider.
I can offer Javalina. It's almost as disgusting as blubbler! But you'd have to shoot one of the ugly things.
By now you may be hoping for the pink slip so you can just go forward with your plans to retire to Greece. But this challenge is surely enticing!
No, no-not at all. Just that you brought up a pink slip, which would free you from a need to find a really remote hideout. And FP brought up finishing your book, which introduces a need for an ideal place to write and I'm aware of your desire to retire there.
While you can write at the ranch, it's only fair to admit that at this time there is no internet access, so it's only fair to expose the realities so that if you choose West Texas, it will be with eyes wide open. Of course I am not chickening out! I'm tenacious if nothing else.
Trust me, the Elites won't hear it from me. I'm not sure they even recognize my existence! And I'm no blabbermouth either!
You haven't even mentioned New Zealand. The Bay of Islands has lots of them. Not only that I retire to the Southern Hemisphere during winter in the Sierras where it's too cold for my aging body! I could visit with iron rations,during the winter you could fish or prize limpets off the rocks!
Of course not, My lips are sealed! And fickleness? It never knew me. Others around me may be fickle, not I. :-) Scouts honor!
When I was spending more time at the ranch, there was NO internet to be had except satellite connection was beginning to be introduced - at a great cost. Cell phones didn't work at all. We had satellite TV and microwave telephone, the latter via the Big Bend Telephone Company. Now that company offers satellite internet at an affordable cost, but not being a full-time or even a part-time resident, I don't subscribe. It's all I can do to take care of my service here in Dallas - and I do keep up the phone service at the ranch, since I doubt the cell phone would work there even now.
So the refuge I can provide does not have internet access. Wireless networking requires some wireless terminals. There are none within a hundred or so miles. So I was not misleading you. You mistake honesty for fickleness or unwillingness! Baaaaad boy!
:-))
Besides the issue here was not amenities but a really secret handout! I was truly listing the features supporting its total secrecy! But I still must recognize that you have so many attractive offers that mine might be overlooked, anyway, no matter what amenities are provided! (and many offers from very cute people, too!)
handout = hangout. Oops. tee hee. haha!
:-) Yeah, mebbe so, but what about the other 5 Elites? See, I have to try to think of all the angles if I'm to provide a competitive offer!!
I admit to trying to read between the lines here the entire time. Clearly there are things lurking beneath the surface, and some obviously, but others not as obviously. Or else I am just dim, which, I confess, I often am. More than once have I sit amongst a group of fellow lit enthusiasts and muttered things like, "You mean he was dead the whole time?" Only to have them all supress sighs and eye-rolls, and patiently smile a "Yes, dumbass, he was."
But, in the absence of eye rolls, and unwilling to ask aloud, I am assuming that you are championing us against the man who, for some reason feels a threat from Amazon to the green currents meant for Google, and for that, you may be cast out of that little 6x6. In fact, you may say, "How was that remotely obscure?" to which I will shrug and point out that the selfsame moments of idiocy make me reluctant even to believe what can also be plain as day. Or something.
As always, I love the voice.
I have to agree with Shadesbreath. He has such a way with words. I was just going to say, World Cruise? Amazon? Barmaid? Groveling? What exactly are you elite people up to?
On a side note, anyone and everyone should be thrilled to be called a pirate. Better than a ninja (if you know what I meme). Thanks for the laughs!
I did smile. But then, I'm always smiling when I read your voice because, as a narrator, you are so goddamn likeable that it doesn't even matter what you write about. You could write about a crow crapping on a hot rock and it would be funny, so, I'm always smiling.
There is no way I could do this, I have joint pain in my shoulders and knees, grovelling has to be limited to only a few minutes.
As far as hiding goes, it is best done is plain sight, just lose a few pounds, shave your head and wear blue contact lenses. It will work and cost very little. Oh yeah, get rid of the GPS tracking device on your cell phone and car.
Loved reading this, thanks for the chuckles and entertainment.
ahhhaaaa you fooled them all Dimitri. but not uncle Neelesh- no wayyyyyyyy.You are locked up in a room with 6 gorgeous women, a room without a window for people to peep in,you have a boss who never summons you, you are guarding the treasures of a multimillion dollar scamfit-and you are exploiting your powers of writing to ensure that other people think you are in trouble and shiver when they have elittitis and quickly reach for their antieilitibiotics and also rush to get themselves innoculated against the urge to eltify themselves.
You got them DEgreek but you did'nt get to meee- I am going to keep trying to get elitified and by the time you get your own window you'd better tone down whatever (joke telling of course)that you are doing inside for you will find me on the windowsill just waiting to come right in.
And I just realized - came here to make amends, in fact - that there are six other Elite, not five as I've been saying. Now that I'm here, I see that Neelesh mentioned the 6 others, but - honestly! - I found it out on my own and rushed to fix it. Seems I'm having trouble with keeping accurate count of all things at the higher elevation lately!
By this hub i would suggest you to keep publishing your book, you are really a funny guy.
I didn't mention it because I thought it was a subtle clue as to where you intended to hide out. Didn't want to expose your plan to sneak off to Verona with your Elites!! But now you've forced me to let the cat out of the bag! sigh . . . .
;-> hehe
All I have to say is - it's good to laugh! When are you going to write a book?
Much better...please stick to this style...sorry..I read you because it makes me laugh...I don't want to cry when I come to your writing.
Now..coming from you, I love that word groveling..it does not become you to grovel so that is another laugh...
Please tell the chairman or you decide with the other elites not to bring our scores down...
A demand, not a request.
Oh.. by the way, I made $10.37 altogether since the time I joined.
ahahaha you are only doing it for the money?????
i guess you realise Mrs Dimitri is reading this too and so have to convince her about your innocence.
Dim - I gotta say you are one funny man as always. I do like your description of the male of the species and their love of telling a joke into infinity!! Truer things have never been spoken. My Bob has one that starts out 'how does a pollock (or insert some other race) get his belt off?' I unfortunately cannot demonstrate the answer here in verbiage.
He usually brings down the house - once. The trick is remembering how many blasted people he's told this joke to but I leave that to his memory, not mine. I simply give him the 'cut' sign if I think he's going into repeat performance but as in all things male, he usually thinks I'm motioning that he has a piece of cracker on his neck!
Gotta love your humor....and if you need a place to set up your new 'kingdom' try Prineville! It might bore you to death in 5 days but it has its perks! I'm actually still trying to remember what those are!
Well played! Just in case, there is a little unemployment left. It tops out at a whopping $275.00 plus $25 stimulus a week, in my neck of the woods.
Enjoyed the hub. Thanks!
...and here I am sitting with the aircon on!
32º + outside!!!!!
Strange world we share!
John
ha ha ha..you are already married..besides...oh well...I shall not put it in writing as this is a public forum, lol...
The other day I wrote in one forum that I had forgotten who Melinda is...OMG...you can imagine the barrage of concern...it is a good thing I have already admitted to being insane to my dear friends..
What Montague jokes? I definitely missed something..but you will forgive me....
Oh.. and I sincerely doubt you love me anymore. Where is my "Kiss you?".. I love that phrase, Dimi.
Oh dear...Sorry Dimi..
I do not know how to play poker and yes, I missed the joke..I still love you.
Very funny. The chairmans wife shall be homeless and unclothed on what I would ever make seeing as I'm too dimwitted to open an adsense account or any other advertisment. You may, however use my fast jet parked in the garage but don't forget, you said, "you wont regret it."
Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does this 'Beloved Leader' have a nuclear program, too? Is Hubpages now part of the Axis of Evil?
Dear me, I failed to mention the jet is ran by remote control. You may however use the remote. See, I do love you.
Ok De Greek, how much pull do you have..lol lets talk, I think it's time that the page that state intimacy, sex, should have an adult button, so we can feel safe in publishing our hubs with out the threat of being banned, or our hubs sitting in the waste land for 48 hours. Why have a section with that title if we cant talk about it ....just curious, you have alway been my voice of reason...lol What are your thoughts on this?
I am deeply hurt that you must have missed my response to your Montague and Capulet joke. Sob.
We have plenty of woods in Sough Georgia, so Randy Godwin and I could hide you, Sir Greek! I danced on your buttons.
Actually I did think that comment was aimed at me, following my comment so quickly as it did, but then with a continuation of inquiring why NO one had noticed it, I began to think that perhaps the comment about unappreciated talent was meant as a generous but general observation for all the talent surrounding us here! I m not too quick to assume that an unaddressed compliment is for me anyway, you see. Easy to form a mistaken conclusion either way. Now that I know, I am happy as a little clam. Thank you. :-))
I hope you are not a Roman Catholic - you'll never get out of the confession box leave alone the number of Holy Mary you would to pray. Also the modesty ll along hahaha
you certainly make me smile :) a joy to read as always not sure what i find more entertaining, your article or the conversation in the comments :)
thanks for keeping us from becoming far too serious here :)
Thanks! And I get a new unique nickname, as well! Whoo Hoo!!
THC
Dang...I just sold the Lear to put food on the table for the rest of the family as my HubPages earnings have fallen miserably below our expectations and we must adjust accordingly. Otherwise, you could use it like it was your own. Your writings have confirmed what I suspected all along...Ken Abell is a woman posing as a male writer. You statement regarding being the only male on the elite staff was a dead giveaway! Tell Ken he has been outed! LOL! Thanks for sharing Greek! WB
While you were groveling on all four,you failed to notice that our beloved leader have manage to tunnel from north Korea and quietly taken over the chairmanship of Hubpages.
Now you will have to bear his high pitch voice while he sings in the shower Sinatra's(the chairman)"MY WAY"...:)
Had I been here early and had known about your "mmmmps", I would have invited you to snorkel with me at the Pescador Island of sunny Cebu, where I recently spent my week-end vacation escapade. Then you would come home refreshed and forgiving?
De Greek, you are a good boy! Haha!
You are too funny for words, my friend. LOL Enjoyed, as usual.
Hi, Ha ha love the grovelling on the knees! the only male? I thought with your swuave pursuasion, that you would love being the only male! ha ha so I have to buy my way int, do I? Okay, wheres my penny jar! lol cheers nell
Hehehe, thanks for fun. Merry Christmas, Dimitris.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year as of late, I've been happily enjoying all there is to enjoy about the season. May you and yours be adundantly and radically blessed and with an extra dose of peace and quite for you dear author of a great book... Love and Peace :) Katie
I used to be the Chairman. And now your hubscore is even higher than mine.









































drbj Level 8 Commenter 18 months ago
My best advice - fly to Togo - it doesn't have an extradition treaty with the U.S. and is some 2000 miles closer to California. No charge for this info. Just a % of the profits.